Birthdays have always been a mixed bag of feelings for me. Happy to still be here. Happy that people want to give me cake. Especially when it’s good chocolate cake. Lately, birthdays are also a reminder of how time is ticking away – there are fewer ahead of me than behind me now, for sure.
As an adopted person, there’s also always the unspoken (for almost all my life) feeling of loss, and the dissonance between that feeling and the joy and gratitude I was told I should be feeling. And there often was joy, to be sure. Two things can be true at the same time.
This year, the feeling of loss took a break. It’s still there, deep in my bones, in the part of my brain that has no words, but it had no seat at the table this year. Over the past several years, I’ve given it the respect, and the voice, it was due. And in return, this year it stayed home while I enjoyed dinner out with my husband (lemon parfait instead of chocolate cake — acceptable!). Brunch with one of my daughters. Texts, delightful videos and social media messages from friends, family, colleagues. I felt something lovely and warm and somewhat unfamiliar. Belonging. And for that, I am truly grateful.
Happy Belated B’Day!! Happy for you that it was so special!