In this morning’s adoptee workshop (today’s topic – abandonment – fun times, right?), Anne Heffron suggested a music exercise to help “move the needle” on a stuck record repeating an abandonment moment. The idea was to choose a song that makes you feel good, feel happy, and listen to it while you imagined letting go of your mother in a way that was good for both of you. My ’80s dance club days are finally useful! I’ve always felt like my most Authentic Me when I’m dancing – I’m not a great dancer; it’s just a fun way to let go – so this seemed like a good thing to try. I knew immediately what song to pick – Madonna’s “Vogue.”
This was incredibly powerful for me. It was intensely physical, though I was just lying on the couch. My body reacted immediately. The moment I began to imagine the scene tears flooded my cheeks and my racing heart felt as if it would beat a path right through my ribcage.
There’s a throbbing rhythm at the beginning of the song, like a heartbeat. I used that to imagine being embraced by my mother as an infant, felt that throb as if her heartbeat were mingling with mine. Then as the stuttering intro to the first verse kicks in, she sets me down, now a toddler, holding both her hands as I learn to stand, and dance. We dance hand in hand for a verse, mother and child. Then I’m a preteen, holding just one hand. Then a teen, letting go of her hand, both of us sharing the dance floor, her presence nearby a comfort but giving me room to move. By the final verse she is aging, and tired, and she leaves the dance floor to rest, giving me a wave of encouragement to stay. I wave back and watch her find a seat, fully on my own now, feeling the music, dancing to my own body’s rhythm, feeling strong and confident, knowing we’re both where we’re meant to be. By the end of the song, my heart rate is quiet and I feel something new. Something that might be the beginning of peace.
As other adoptees in the workshop share their songs of release, I think about creating a playlist and having an imaginary dance party in which we all celebrate the ways we’ve found to “move the needle” and keep the music of our lives playing on. What a great party that will be.