I’m an adoptee. I had an abortion in the 1980’s. I had to cross a noisy, taunting, guilt-hurling picket line in front of a Planned Parenthood to get it. The picket line was traumatic. The abortion was not. It was a medical procedure I chose for my own reasons and I was sure about my decision. It was safe. It was legal. I had nothing to feel guilty about.
Today, my oldest daughter is at a march, raising her voice in support of women having control of their own bodies. And while part of me is proud of her for making herself heard, a bigger part of me is just sick over the fact that her actions are needed. And I am angry every time I hear someone justify their demands to limit women’s rights by saying “you don’t need an abortion; you can choose adoption!” As if adoption is a magic solution that solves everyone’s problems.
News flash: It’s not.
If a woman chooses to carry a pregnancy to term and relinquish the infant, then it’s certainly a solution. But it’s important to acknowledge the grief, loss and trauma mother and infant will feel. These will vary, depending on the circumstances, but they will occur, and may be felt for a lifetime. It’s also important to remember that “the baby” will not always be an infant. We do grow up. And for better or for worse, we live with the consequences of a choice made for us. Those consequences are significant but can be managed, and simply acknowledging their existence has had a powerful impact in my life.
If a woman chooses to end her pregnancy, that’s also a solution. It seems to surprise some people that adoptees might support this. Some of us do; some of us don’t – just like the kept population. It is, however, extremely uncomfortable to be used in the arguments some abortion opponents make. They tend to sound a lot like this one, from conservative commentator Candace Owens, who tweeted, “Special shout out to the millions of people in the world that have either been adopted or gone through the foster care system. Must have been a tough week watching liberals tell you that your life is worthless and that you should have been murdered.”
Sorry, Candace. What made the week tough for me was the thought of having agency over our own bodies taken away – something that resonates deeply with many adoptees. And comments like the one above simply compounded the awfulness of the situation. Adoptees and those in foster care are not props to use for dramatic effect. We are people.
So today I join my daughter in raising my voice, though I’m using a keyboard and the internet instead of marching in the streets. I’ve done that – and will do it again if necessary. My hope is that if enough of us raise our voices, in whatever way is most available to us, we can stop treating women as if they can’t be trusted to know what to do with their own bodies.
